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You Are A Drug

A lovely client of mine thought up this wonderful piece for me. What do you guys think?


(Also sold as AbigailTM and AbiTM; generic formulation is SJJ)


WARNING: This drug should only be taken by discerning gentlemen; it is not appropriate for women or children, or men of meager means or social standing.

Therapeutic Effects: Pleasure for all the senses including the following:

  • Sight: sheer beauty.

  • Sound: Tender, cheerful voice and intelligent conversation. Also provides a soothing British accent for foreigners.

  • Touch: Silky-soft skin and hair.

  • Smell: Unforgettable perfume, hair, and the scent of a woman.

  • Taste: Luscious.

Other therapeutic effects while under the influence of this drug include: companionship, excitement, anticipation, increased libido, enlarged heart, sense of euphoria, sense of adventure, and overall satisfaction.

Common Side Effects: Mental distraction, rapid heartbeat, and mental confusion. Upon cessation of taking this drug, increased libido may remain in effect, including frequent nocturnal emissions.

Possible Adverse Effects: Craving for larger and more frequent dosage of this drug, unhappiness with current situation as relates to relationships and feelings (or lack thereof), diminished personal net worth.

Uncommon (but not unusual) Side Effects: Friendship, elevated emotions (including crying), feelings of “luv” and longing; strong association to music and song at the time the drug was administered; unforgettable impressions of sight, sound, smell, and touch; exceptionally strong feelings of wanting “more” in present relationships; reception to wisdom, teaching, and learning about current relationships.

Uncommon (but not unusual) Withdrawal Symptoms: insomnia, a feeling of emptiness and loneliness, self-reflection.

Note: this drug is not yet available in generic formulation. The non-generic formulation is still under patent protection and is relatively expensive, and thus should only be considered for treatment of those individuals with significant means. Also, this drug may be addictive to the individual administering it, but this has yet to be proved and needs to be further explored and tested.


Your friend is to be commended for his high standard of research in to this wonderful drug. However, he probably is not aware of a potentially dangerous side effect of the drug because it was only discovered this week. When taken orally this drug can result in middle aged men in particular, suffering episodes of short term memory loss. This produces an inability to carry out basic tasks such as locking the door! Even those who witness someone partaking orally of this drug are affected. The most common side effects are temporary blindness, stoppage of speech, and ventricular tachycardia.

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